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this is obviously just a joke, but just in case you decide to DYI headshots. here are a few pointers.

1. choose a good background, something that will contrast what you are wearing.
2. use sufficient lighting to eliminate harsh shadow, flashes and strobes are the best.
3. try to use a zoom lens and and focus on the eyes.
4. use a 3/4 pose, it is the most popular and pleasing.